A New Beginning

I have been delaying the start of my blog for some time. Life has been super crazy with Nicole’s move to Portland, but as I sit here in the airplane contemplating the next six months away from my family it was time to start.

This blog is intended to be a window into my life as a transgender woman. There is so much weight that goes with a transition like this, and I feel that I cannot I adequately unload with just social connections. My writing, while certainly not eloquent or polished, is the best way to quickly drop the tonnage. If someone reads it and can related, or maybe just learn a bit more about my trans experience, all the better. It is not my intention to write perfectly composed and edited prose. I want it to be raw and emotional.

Anyway, Nicole, the kids and I drove out to Portland from southeast Michigan. We were driving her truck, we call her Reba because she is red, while pulling a very large travel trailer. It was quite the experience in learning to safely pull a trailer through mountains. We had absolutely no incidents. So, this gave me an incredible opportunity to reflect on the next six months.

I will actually return to Michigan until the beginning of the year. I have a project at work that I want to complete, further, I want to spend sometime looking for a new company. I think I’ve developed reputation at work, and it is essential that as I walk away I can replace it with a role aligned with the experience I’ve developed over the last 20 years. Though isn’t the point of this blog though.

As with new beginnings, there will be loss. As mentioned my relationships and reputation at work. I will walk away from a skating community that was my first social foray with my real my identity. Frankly, prior to this my social world was limited. It is difficult when you are masking your real self. On top of this, I will walk away from a skating coach that has pushed me to be a better skater, especially while trying to undo decades of hockey. Such patience. I will miss her. I have big goals as a figure skater, and I worry about getting there with a new coach. I will give it hell as I usually do.

New beginnings aren’t worth it with all the loss, unless there is something new to gain. Portland only knows Brianna. There is nothing prior. I no longer have to code switch. I no longer have the inertia from previous expectations of who I am. I walk around Portland free. I can breathe for the first time in years. Portland gives me the key to unshackle from my own notions of who I am and who I will be.

The last few days have been relentless of me. Moving has not been cheap, and has depleted my funds until we get reimbursed. My apartment complex threatened to tow my motorcycle if I didn’t move it immediately, I’m in Portland. Evidently they are not allowed on the property, no I didn’t read the lease in that depth. I left our new house in absolute chaos with moving boxes. I am leaving my wife and kids as they start their new chapters. While I’ll be mostly alone.

I will come out stronger after this. I have to. I cannot move to Portland in a weakened state. I need everything I have to hit the ground running. I can’t wait to recover. So, here we are. My first blog post. The thoughts on my mind. The fear that clouds the promise. It is game time.

Love,

Brianna.