I won, and my joy is non-existent

How can this be? I won my warm up competition yesterday. While, I have to admit I was surprised it still felt hollow. Why was it hollow? Did I win because I was transgender? Of course not. Did I win for any other reason than I skated better than my competitors? No, I guess not. Then why so hollow? It is pretty simple actually. Really there are two reasons both very painful.

The first reason is a complete result of internalized misogyny and transphobia. As a transgender woman I am told on a daily basis that I couldn’t compete with men, want to steal space from women, or I want access to women’s locker rooms. None of which are true. I absolutely could compete with men at my level and I would beat them as well. I have no desire to take anything from cis-women. If cis-women are safe and protected so am I. Danger, in what ever form that is, to cis-women is inherently dangerous to transgender women. Access to women’s locker rooms? Really? Have you been in a locker room, particularly a hockey locker room? It is ridiculous. Not to mention the entire time I am in there, I am worried I am making cis-women uncomfortable so I am in and out as fast as possible. However, with all of the rational thought of why transgender women should have space there is still doubt by constant bombardment of dehumanization of our community. Since I have integrity, it is difficult to not at least give the noise bandwidth and consider its truthfulness. This is a robber of joy.

The second reason, has less overall impact than the first, but is still an issue. After the event my coach asked what I was going to do to celebrate…. Well, I did not feel like celebrating on my own. It is difficult to celebrate when your accomplishments are not recognized. It is lonely. So, here I work my butt off. I beat my ankles into submission so that I can win. I win and don’t get the payoff of joy.

I skate because I love to skate. I find the work on a test or program to be the ultimate satisfaction and at the end of the day, what I get the most joy from. This is where I get to forget everything except for the ice and my steel. However, this is a self sustaining day-to-day joy I create for myself. But you know what? Sometimes I just want to celebrate and I am tired of this being taken away from me. So, I will do better in finding ways to celebrate myself. Even if its a glass of wine, alone at the bar.